Inbox: PGL Freak Out.

I recently received an email from one of my good friends, who not too long ago graduated from American University’s grad. school. Now, let me clarify, I love her deeply but…the girl’s email scared the shit out of me. It wouldn’t have been so terrifying if I hadn’t already had hours upon hours of worry/anxiety/stressful thoughts rolling about my head. I’m sure a lot of you think I’m just prancing around Ireland, without a care in the world. False. Yes, I have been blessed enough to spend a majority of my gap year in Dublin. BUT, it doesn’t mean that I’m not as stressed as the next person (and probably more, because I’m one of those type A, obsessive sort). I’ve been applying for graduate school, having money issues, trying to figure out if I even actually like doing ANYTHING that might resemble a future career, and trying to make some pretty big life decisions. All of this has led to a month of insomnia. Then, this email hit and all my thoughts/fears were blown up SUPER SIZE (if that’s even possible). 

Email Quote 1: School is going to sweep you up and suck you in and leave your mind reeling.  

Freak Out 1: I’ve applied to multiple graduate schools, and I’ve gotten into all of them so far. This would/should be considered a good thing, but alas, I consider it a very stressful thing. I wish I would have just gotten into one, so the decisions would be forced on me. I don’t know where I want to go. I don’t know which city would be best for me (Boston, Chicago, NYC, London…) or which program is best for my future. Will I even be able to handle the course load that is graduate school? I know it’s going to be on another level from undergrad. I’m afraid that I won’t have what it takes, even if these schools that accepted me think I do. Will I have time for a life or friends? How will I even have time to make friends?!!! WHERE AM I GOING TO LIVE?????? I have to start all over again, right when I was beginning to feel at home in a place (aka. Dublin). 

Email Quote 2:  So the job market sucks.  A lot.  Really hard, actually.   To be honest with you, a lot of my friends have been having a hard time finding jobs after graduation and have ended up having to take temp jobs. Certainly, they are not taking the kinds of jobs that they thought they’d be taking after school.

Freak Out 2: Obviously, I know the job market is bad. I didn’t need a friend’s email to tell me that. BUT, it leads to my fear…I get all the way through graduate school and for what? I get out and I still have zero job prospects. I have graduate school loans. How on earth am I suppose to pay those off and still have money to live on? How will I even find a job? Let alone a job I like that will help advance my career? What will my career even be? Is graduate school even worth it? I’ve always felt in my heart that it’s something I need to do. In my family, bachelor degrees are not enough. I’ve heard my entire life that I need at least a master’s, preferable a Ph’d or heck…just become a doctor already! Ex. my sister already has a master’s in architecture and is work on her second master’s in graphic design. Yep, second master’s. This is partially because she’s finding it so hard to get a job! 

Email Quote 3:  Things are kind of surreal.   The only way I know I’m not dreaming is because I see my paycheck every two weeks.  If this were all a dream, my paycheck would be much, much larger. 

Freak Out 3: I don’t think I need to explain. Kinda all melts together. 

On top of all of this, I still haven’t decided how long I’m going to stay in Ireland. I don’t want to leave here, and I don’t want to leave my friends. I’m finally starting to feel like I’m home. That’s a hard thing to give up, especially when you’re giving it up and knowing that you’re going to be feeling the opposite of that very soon. I don’t feel ready to leave. I actually get a bit panicky just thinking about it. But, should I go home at the end of May for my sister’s wedding and stay home? Should I start looking for housing in whatever city I decided to move to for school? How do I even do that? Or, should I come back to Dublin until the end of July and spend a few more precious months in the Emerald Isle? If I do this…will I have enough time to find a place and move somewhere before school starts? 

So many decisions and so little time. Welcome to my slightly neurotic and overly obsessive mind! It’s kind of a scary place. 

- Jen

Calling all 20-somethings who feel confused as Hell by where their lives are going…

closethistab:

This.  THIS.  Here is the reason I may not be the tidiest person ever, but I come prepared to face entropy wherever I find it. 

Here is the reason I may not be the most reliable phone-answerer, but I feel 100% connected when I’m reunited with a someone, whether it be months or years since last we met.

Here is the reason I might feel suffocated in one place or situation for too long, but I thirst for moving more, seeing more, BEING more. 

And here is the way I have learned to be excited, to be terrified, to feel pain, to cry, to scream, or to laugh in ways that few non-explorers would understand.

Really.  Read it.

Her post nailsit.

The lessons you learn when you travel on your own are unlike any others.  And what you discover about yourself and your place on this planet is invaluable.  Don’t wait, don’t sit.  Go to the next town over, to the next state over, to the next continent over.  Do it while you can and be amazed at your personal growth, wealth, and appreciation.

Hop on a plane.

Drive cross-country.

Move to a whole new place.

Buy a map and a phrasebook and go.

It’s easier said than done, I know, but it’s way better done than regretted. 

I look back at the blog I kept in Roma and reading the posts gets me so excited, even now. 

I’m thinking about where I was just one year ago (freaking out about graduation, stressing out about making weight, anxious about my relationships, wondering where I’d be at this moment).  I couldn’t have dreamed of it working out like it did.  I remember when I made the decision: standing on a driveway, 9pm on a southern summer night, the bats crowding the streetlamps.  I was in control of my next move, and just weeks later, I packed up my car and took the risk to come out west. 

Away from my whole family, away from the paying job that was dangling in front of me. Away from even my own sense of what the right decisions were. 

I know moving isn’t exactly the same as traveling the world, but it’s the same idea.  And having done both, I can tell you that you WILL BE BETTER FOR IT.  YOU WILL BE DIFFERENT FOR IT.  YOU MAY EVEN BE “BEHIND” FOR IT.  But whether it’s worth it to you? Will NEVER be something that even crosses your mind.

The Hunger Games

What on earth do I eat everyday? This might sound like a strange question to you, but it’s actually one that I ask myself quite often. It’s not so much a…I can’t believe I ate that! What was it?…kind of question. It’s honestly an attempt at trying to figure out what I eat everyday, because goodness knows I don’t really buy groceries and I don’t eat out (often).

I’ve always been a bit of a food scavenger. For example, Tas came to visit me this summer in Chicago and she looked in my fridge: 2 eggs and some fajita wraps. That’s all I had to my name. She asked me what I’d been eating, and I honestly didn’t know the answer. The funny thing is, it’s not like I go hungry. I eat. I really do. But what and how? Another example, I lived off mostly microwaveable popcorn my freshman year of college. Yea, I know…that’s pretty unhealthy and gross. Hmmm it was a phase, though. What can I say? I can make meals out of anything and nothing at all! I like to think of it as somewhat of a weird gift! Tas (of PGL) is a food scavenger too, and also quite talented at the craft. 

My mom often worries about my eating habits. So, being the loving daughter that I am, I make a point to tag her in photos where I’m eating shitty foods as ‘meals’. Ex. me and a packet of Milk Dudds. I get way too much joy from this. 

Since moving to Dublin, it’s been pretty helpful that I’m an cheap eater. I have very, very, very little money. I have gotten a bit of scrutiny from roommates and friends. My friend, Cliona, told me that one of her worst nightmares is that I would be in charge of feeding her. She gets grumpy when she doesn’t eat 3 full meals a day. She said that with me in charge she’d probably be a volcano of rage! My roomie, Aude, pointed at my dinner (toast, cheese slices & ham) the other night and said, ‘We need to work on that.’ 

The funny thing is that I actually like cooking and I’m pretty good at it. I just like cooking for other people. Entire lasagne for 1? No thanks! Wah waaaah. 

Maybe Aude has a point, but until I acquire a nice salary and a little less laziness, I don’t really see a change happening soon. Oops! Sorry mom. 

- Jen